I am happy to say that I maintained my commitment to judge less and do more this week. I exercised four times, giving myself credit for simply moving and taking small steps in the right direction. Confident that I wouldn’t sabotage myself if I took Monday off, I did so. I focused more on reading and writing that day. I’m aiming to get back to incorporating reading, writing, and exercising into every day, but I’m not there yet.

My workout sessions picked up on Wednesday with my weekly BGR! meet-up. On Friday, I ran with a friend. We covered 5 miles, walking half of it. (She was letting me set the pace. She could’ve run the entire distance a lot faster than I was allowing us to go.) On Saturday, I started the day writing, so I didn’t meet friends for an early morning run. Still, I was determined to do something, so I walked and jogged (mostly walked) for 30 minutes on the home treadmill. This morning, I decided to push myself more than I had the last two workouts. I ended up running 4 miles non-stop. It was the first time I’ve done that since November.

What I like most about these past few weeks is that I have focused more on consistency than on hitting certain targets for each workout. That is, moving three times per week is my goal. I don’t need each of those three sessions to look a certain way. This is important because I don’t want to fall into the trap of beating myself up because I’m not doing now what I could easily do 12 to 18 months ago. I believe in competing with myself, but not if that simply becomes an opportunity to criticize myself. Besides, I didn’t get into my current shape overnight, so why should I expect to change it instantly?

Wherever you are on this journey, please know that, despite what our culture wants us to believe, every step in the right direction is worth celebrating! Not every step needs to be a giant leap to yield serious benefits. The world is full of people who are happy to refuse to give you credit for what you do—big or small. In fact, some people think that’s their job. Well, let them have at it, but don’t help them do it.

Last week, I wasn’t happy about having worked out only once, so I re-committed to myself and vowed to tap into positive energy more often. This week, I achieved and exceeded my goal of three exercise sessions. I was determined to start the week better, so I didn’t let Monday pass without a 40-minute walk/run. Then, I got a little help from Mother Nature. Unlike last week, the temperature on Wednesday was above zero, so I could launch Wednesday Winners, the new weekly run/walk I’m leading for Black Girls RUN! Columbus. Already, I am loving the accountability of that weekly meet-up.

On Friday, only once I began exercising did I realize that my energy level was very low. I lasted for 30 minutes, and I didn’t judge it. I listened to my body and focused on the fact that I had moved. By Saturday, I was ready to enjoy some company for my workout and got up in time to meet friends. Sunday, I used my new WaterRower machine for 15 minutes. I am still learning proper form, so again, I gave myself credit for moving.

I am making a habit of acknowledging every good decision and every small step in the right direction rather than focusing on what I didn’t do or what I don’t like. That’s certainly a new way of operating for me, so it will continue to take practice.

While it is not yet my tendency, I already feel confident that it will yield serious benefits. After all, what running has taught me is that the habits it most encourages will give me great results if I apply them in other areas of my life, especially writing. Yes, I can see how this practice of kindness will reap benefits! And as I return to what I know above all else, that Audre Lorde was right about self-care being a form of political warfare, then taking kindness toward myself seriously might be the most important habit I can develop.

How about you? Are you starting to see that being mean to ourselves is NOT the solution? The diet industry and all of U.S. culture tells us that we should feel unworthy unless we look a certain way and are willing to sacrifice certain things. We are all encouraged to accept shame as a constant companion. We have the right to live free of guilt and shame, but American culture shows no signs of changing soon, so we have to be deliberate about claiming that right.

This week was only week #2 of my new start, so I am not thrilled to report that I had only one real exercise session. (My goal is three per week.) However, facing that truth is allowing me to practice being kind to myself, even as I refuse to make excuses. Though I was traveling and attending a conference, I had packed everything I needed for both indoor and outdoor workouts. I also thought many times about when I could fit a workout in, and I even had a friend reach out to set up an accountability date. Yep, I had no excuse. I simply did not put forth enough effort to make my goal a reality this week.

While not being harsh with myself, I also know that this is not the way I want my weeks to go. I am taking this as a sign that I need to re-commit to myself. And that clearly requires drawing in all the good energy available that will support healthy habits. [Typing that sentence highlights for me how much of an opportunity I missed by not maximizing my friend’s invitation. (H/T J.A.)] Well, in an effort to focus on the present and its possibilities, I am embracing the good energy represented in the video below that another friend shared on Facebook. (H/T C.M.) It captures the spirit I am embracing—no matter how many times I have to embrace it.

Hmm, that reminds me of something I learned from running 15 half marathons. You have to re-commit more than once before you reach the finish line at mile 13.1. That doesn’t mean you are weak. It doesn’t mean you lack discipline. It simply means that you have set a lofty enough goal that achieving it requires sustained effort. And sustained effort often means that you will have to make up your mind to see this thing through…and then make up your mind again. That’s fine. I will do what I have to do, and I will be better about actually accepting all the good energy that comes my way.

WATCH This Girl Can! https://youtu.be/toH4GcPQXpc

How about you? Are you practicing being kind to yourself? Are you accepting all the good energy flowing in your direction?

In the first couple days after making my declaration, I have been surprised by some of my feelings. I decided to do what I have done many times before: sign up for a couple races. While making all the usual decisions, such as which distance to run or which hotel to use for out-of-town events, I began to feel nervous in the most unpleasant way. It was not the nervous excitement I remember having for my first races 4 years ago; these feelings came with a sickness in my stomach. It was the oddest, most unsettling extended moment.

I decided to stop and really try to observe what was happening. I wanted to be honest with myself about these feelings by acknowledging them, but I also needed to pause long enough to get a handle on what might be causing them. Whatever was making me feel this way couldn’t be based in much reality, I thought. After all, the reality is that I can sign up for a race and do it, period. I know that I can begin, stay the course, and finish—no matter how long it takes. As I’ve said a million times, “What matters most is that we’re moving. Who cares how fast or slow?”

Once I realized how little this discomfort had to do with the objective facts, I had to admit that I was telling myself all kinds of negative, shame-inducing things about how far I am now from where I have been. In other words, I was saying things to myself that a friend would never say to me. I am not convinced that such thoughts won’t emerge again, but I am prepared to be kinder to myself when I see this pattern again.

Already, I’ve had some practice. I have done two more workouts since my New Year’s Day reboot. Saturday, I walked 30 minutes on a treadmill with one or two two-minute jogs thrown in. Today, I walked 30 minutes on a treadmill at a slower pace and with no jogging. Very deliberately, I focused on the fact that I had made exercising at least 3 days a week my goal and I had achieved that goal.

I have said to those beginning an exercise plan a million times, “What matters most is that we’re moving. Who cares how fast or slow?” I am hearing myself in a whole new way, and it has me thinking My mama didn’t raise no fool.  🙂

It’s the start of a new year, and I find myself vowing to exercise and lose weight. What a cliché! But, honestly, I don’t care. Trying to avoid the cliche would require ignoring the truth about my current circumstances. Fortunately, my new year’s resolution means returning to the healthy habits—and, more importantly, the healthy mindset—that I have enjoyed for several years. Most who know me also know that I began running about 4 years ago and it changed my life, so I’ve been a “running evangelist” ever since. In the past few months, however, I have seriously fallen out of my rhythm.

I very much see and feel the consequences of months of not running regularly and of eating very poorly. More than that, I am facing a fact that must be addressed: I’ve been letting racism and other very American -isms win.

I have shared before that I run because it helps me to resist the many ways in which American culture works to steal my joy and health, if not my life. By revealing that personal truth, I have had the honor of convincing many people to try running and reap its countless benefits. It’s time for me to re-visit all that great advice and get back to being proactive about self-care.

I started New Year’s day with a 40-minute run/walk. I am truly starting over. That’s just a fact. No shame about it. I will take it easy because I still care more about moving for the rest of my life than about conquering particular challenges, such as a full marathon or completing races at a certain speed.

My concrete goals are to 1) exercise at least three times per week; 2) get back to the fitness level and size at which I felt my best; and 3) get back to maximizing the synergy I have enjoyed between my running and my writing.

I hope you will join me on this journey!!! I will post at least once per week about how my week went, and I will share the lessons I learn along the way, just as all running/walking buddies do in person. I hope you will find something useful in my posts, and I hope you’ll tell me in the comments what kinds of things I could share that might be even more helpful to you.

Here’s to a strong, inspired, productive 2015!